Untangling Beliefs Behind People Pleasing

The golden rule: Do unto others as you would want them to do for you… Globally we are taught this lesson as children in a way to instill empathy- a core value in the human condition. Put yourself in their shoes and see how you would feel right? So in theory, other people you encounter should also be doing this for you… Is that how it always is though? Are all relationships reciprocal? Do you get back what you invest in the people around you to the same degree?

If the answer is yes, then take a moment and truly appreciate the rarity of these relationships and bask in gratitude as most people I have encountered, go years fostering relationships that are not reciprocal. Whether that be in emotional safety, which is the ability to be completely vulnerable without the fear of consequence or rejection, efforts in action and what they do to help us, in loyalty or in quality time.

Oftentimes we chastise ourselves for saying yes (once again) and not really saying no to what we do not want to do. We find pleasure and joy in helping others, especially those we love, which is typically the rationale in continuing to say yes. Even with this frustration, the cycle continues. Some would say it is difficulties in setting boundaries, and sure it is. However, that’s not all there is to it.

What keeps us stuck in these repetitive thought and behavior patterns are the messages we internalize of what it means if we were to say no.

Examples:

Behavior: She continues giving in to validate the narrative that she is lucky to have her boyfriend.

Belief: if I am not meeting their need 100% of the time, then I do not deserve to ask for them to meet my needs.

Behavior: Staying in an unbalanced relationship (in give and take) even when it is glaringly obvious or holding onto a loveless relationship because the benefits of your relationship with the other people in the family (children, extended family, or friend circle) .

Belief: The love I receive from his/her family or friends justifies what I am having to sacrifice for myself within the relationship.

Behavior: Dropping everything to take care of a request of a loved one even at the expense of our own mental or physical health because they cannot do it for themselves right away.

Belief: If I do not set up this toy for my child, or pick up this item for my parents from the grocery store, they will feel that I am selfish and self-centered or they will feel that I do not love them. 

Behavior: Accepting the directives of those in authority or those who are elder.

Belief: Saying no to a request from an elder or a person of authority, even if I am uncomfortable, is disrespectful.

Sound familiar?

Regularly stepping in to meet the needs or requests of others could then turn into overcompensating- even when it is not asked of us.  We start to anticipate what they MAY need that we can give to them to show that they matter. The concern there is the exhaustion that comes from the effort of meeting their needs- while neglecting our own. It’s not just the energy of giving and showing up, but also the mental energy of preparing for it without also giving the same to ourselves. In meeting everyone else’s need to be able to show them love, we lose touch of who we are as well as an understanding of our needs and values.

Just stop doing it right? Ha! Wouldn’t that just make everything so much easier? To break this pattern of saying yes, feeling frustrated, feeling guilty and then doing it anyways, we have to first understand what we are compelled to act these out.

The most basic form of decision making is driven by either desire or fear. In analyzing which aspect we fall in, be aware of how desire is defined. For example, if the sentiment is that a particular choice is made for the desire to make someone proud, that is also saying that the decision is made to avoid the consequence of disappointing this person and therefore is not actually driven by desire.

Sometimes it transcends one to the other. I was once terrified of not being able to truly help my clients and I would immerse myself into all kinds of trainings and books to acquire as much knowledge and skills possible.  Now, I have the same desire to learn, however it is now driven by my curiosity, and I totally geek out on all areas of the human condition as it is undoubtedly my passion. It is no longer driven by fear.

Ask yourself what specific element are you afraid of? What feels threatening about saying no to someone? What is the message behind setting a boundary that makes you feel uncomfortable? Usually, we avoid standing up for ourselves or shy away from speaking our truth because we are fearful of the consequence that we may face. These consequences may be losing the only source of support or losing the love in a partner that is the best that you have experienced from those that came before, or loss of connection and friendship, or losing the image of the future you have envisioned for yourself and this person.

Another consequence may also be the affirmation this boundary will make of your character-“Confrontation makes me feel as though I am not being considerate or kind”. Are you afraid of having difficult conversations? What role do we play in conversations and conflict? Do you push the issue away and avoid the conversation?

Are these fears true? As in, do they reflect reality, and is there evidence to support these claims? What have you asked for that you have not at one point also given? Does it make someone selfish to ask for a break or to be heard? If the answer is no, then why doesn’t it apply to us as well?

How do you define the needs for your engagement to become an authentic relationship? One that is reciprocal in nature and feels balanced? Most people just stop at needing the human connection without specifying authentic, healthy connections or trying to identify what that would actually look like. In exploring how these needs manifest, we are able to then ask for them as well as be able to set a boundary for when the situation is not reflective of the values that define how you would like these relationships to transpire. Sharing your needs with another person shows that you have a voice and in return, their acceptance of the boundaries set is a show of the respect they have for your voice.

The only way to establish the boundaries and needs to be met is if you are willing to also establish a consequence for that boundary is violated. We can understand the why and the how AND at some point, we have to take action to move past the “why is this happening” to the “what steps do I need to take to make a change now” stage.

Examples of consequences to boundaries that are violated could be:

-Calling people out when feelings are hurt and defining the behavior as being rude, disrespectful, or unnecessary. In sharing the behavior that was hurtful, the reason behind the hurt and the values that are violated, it helps to bring awareness to the significance of their actions. Most would respect the intricacies of why it was hurtful and work to never make the same mistake twice. Those who do not show understanding or acceptance of the explanation should be reconsidered in the importance they hold in your life as they are not holding you in that same regard. 

-Cutting off access to you and your emotional investment in them. Whether it is removing yourself from the situation for a bit, not engaging in the conversation or an end to the relationship.

It is important to show that there is an emotional and psychological consequence to how people speak or behave towards us.

Not standing up for yourself or saying no is often associated with low self-worth or self-esteem, and there are many reading this article who could say that they do not struggle with either. It is important to also understand that in other words, putting someone else’s worth above our own is the same as having not seeing yourself as worthy as that person. Confidence is a characteristic that most people yearn for. What is commonly misunderstood is that confidence is not something to attain, it is the byproduct of many other aspects that eventually align in ourselves. Being able to identify our values and needs, effectively communicating those needs and setting boundaries and finally establishing and implementing consequences to when those boundaries are violated are among the skills that eventually lead to a string sense of self and being self-assured/ confident.  

If you are always relying on the validation of other people to define you, your worth will always be dependent on the narrative they write for you. This shift in thinking comes when we are able to take the attention off of the importance of seeking approval and validation from others to instead making sure the actions, we are partaking in are in alignment with the person we are or who we are wanting to become.