What to Do When One Partner Handles Most of the Emotional Labor

Emotional labor is anything that defines the demands of a relationship on an emotional level that takes emotional or mental energy from another person. This can be within the family, work situations or with friendships. Common examples would be initiating difficult conversations, managing children’s school experiences, deciding how to implement discipline, processing anxieties and fears of everyone in the household, remembering birthdays and anniversaries and making it a point to make them feel valued, and asking for help (sometimes repeatedly) when feeling overwhelmed with emptying the dishwasher, taking out the trash, or doing the laundry. When one partner is doing more of this work than the other, it can be a surefire path to resentment and discord.

Here are some examples of those inequalities, which might be considered emotional labor in friendships and romantic relationships by Sara Regan:

• One person is always venting, making the other their unofficial therapist.

• One person is expected to always be available to listen to the other person's problems.

• One person is reactive, leaving the other feeling like they must always walk on eggshells around them.

• One person is more likely to be the one to try to talk things out after a fight.

• One partner compromises their boundaries more than the other.

• One partner is expected to be the household "manager," in charge of assigning chores, making sure the other has done theirs, and picking up the slack otherwise.

• One partner is always called on to soothe the children and tend to their emotional needs, while the other isn't.

• One partner is expected to know the whole family's schedule and remember special events, while the other partner isn't.

It is necessary to be clear as to where the imbalance is in order to be able to set the relationship back on track. There are times when the exact issue is ambiguous and instead there is more of a feeling that something is off in the relationship. In these circumstances, try to pinpoint the emotion being triggered. Is it that the feeling of contentment is lacking? Could it be that intimacy is not as frequent? Or perhaps its a feeling of something missing. In pinpointing the specific feeling, both partners can openly explore the perception to find solutions. A partnership is just that, a partnership where both people feel as though they have the other to lean on; someone to catch you when you fall. When that feels unbalanced, the foundation of trust built on dependability and reliability gets shaky. To maintain safety and stability in the relationship, we must be on the same page on what is needed and what is expected on a regular basis.

1: Communicate your perceptions with your partner in "I Messages" I feel ____ when ____ happens. An example would be, "I feel overwhelmed and alone when I am typically the person making plans with how to spend the weekend with the family so everyone feels prioritized". 2: Ask for your needs from your partner. Be specific of what you are looking for and what would feel helpful to you. Examples can be to be present, to reflect back, provide support, help generate solutions or to be available when conversations happen.

3: Find emotional healthy outlets from friends, therapy, art or other expressive activities. Our partners cannot be our only source of emotional and social support. It is healthy and necessary to have others to lean on emotionally for different perspectives and a feeling of well-rounded comfort.

4: Find a balance between absorbing and imposing emotional responsibilities. Resentment builds when we feel overwhelmed with taking on most of others emotional burdens. It goes the same way for our partner when we are dumping our emotions (sometimes on a daily basis). It is important to stay mindful of reciprocal sharing and assuming the emotional responsibilities with our loved ones.

5: Maintain healthy boundaries when things feel overwhelming and unbalanced. Set boundaries ahead of time with where you are emotionally so they know if you have the capacity to give empathy. I have told my children when I feel overwhelmed with work and other responsibilities and have asked them to be mindful of the chaos or unnecessary discord that could arise.

6. Check in weekly for a quick 15 minutes to see where you are in meeting each others needs. Respond with specifics on what needs have been met and what you would like to see change. “We’re fine, it was good, I am good…” are all very general and will not lead to shared understanding and growth. “I appreciated that you listened to me without giving solutions today, it was a relief to see the dishes already done when I finished putting the kids to bed because I was so overwhelmed with so many things left undone and on my plate to do, thank you for talking to our son about the argument he witnessed with our other child and normalize his emotional experience” are all specific expressions of acknowledgement of our needs being met.

Oftentimes the imbalance is the stated desires having to be repeated. Many respond with “All you ever needed to do was ask them for help”, but therein lies the problem. We don't want to micromanage housework to manage feelings of being overwhelmed and anxious, family responsibilities to show love and value for those members or how to provide emotional support for us. We want a partner with equal initiative to give as much as we do. Changes may not happen overnight, but it's important to bring awareness to the challenges you're facing if you want to see progress.