Not being good enough... This has been a recurring theme in most of my sessions today. No matter what we actually explored, it usually came back to the feeling of “I'm not good enough”. Sometimes it is not as blatant as that, but sometimes it is, coming back to a sense of fear; of not living up to expectations. But what does this mean, “I'm not good enough”?

I have struggled with this feeling my entire life and being where I am now, having been practicing as long as I have, I genuinely believed that I had worked though my issues with self-esteem and self-worth. I had thought that this feeling is not something that I carry or harbor anymore, but it is sneaky… it creeps up on you when you do not even see it there. Its lurking when a new opportunity, venture, project, or relationship hits. Voila- there it is manifesting as pause- A pause where this feeling, of not being good enough, pops into the back of your mind.

 In examining this pause, you can ask yourself- am I pausing because it is new, uncharted, unexplored territory and I am uncertain of what is going to happen? That pause of I wonder- is healthy. Or is it a pause of “I cannot”, a fear-based pause?

I talk a lot about fear based and desire-based pauses in my sessions because the things that we do typically falls under one or the other. An example of desire based response is “this is fun for me, I enjoy it”, while a fear based response is “I have to do this because I'm trying to avoid a consequence” or “I have to do this because I am trying to prove something to myself or other people”. If this belief is something we struggle with, not feeling good enough will bleed into everything we do. It rears its ugly head into places where there should be joy. It is the opposite of confidence, of “I’ve got this”, and of empowerment. This feeling goes a step further and is a manifestation of a heavy feeling in the chest, quickening of the heart, out of fear or dread.

We all experience this pause- even when we truly get to know who we are- but for some of us, the pause lasts a little too long and creates doubt, which can then manifest into anxiety.

It transforms and builds. Anxiety is a feeling more than nervousness; it serves as a warning. With my personal experience through research and professional practice, I have noticed and learned that everything we experience happens for a reason. I am not talking about divine reason. My meaning is that our emotional and cognitive experiences, serves a purpose, whether it is a beneficial or harmful to our wellbeing. Every reaction, every thought we have, serves a purpose. It is there when we are lacking something (such as security, certainty, stability, congruence etc..) or because of prior history. Anxiety serves as a warning to either “hey, pay attention to this because it is threatening” or “hey, do you know what’s going to happen if you do this?” Most of the time the ones we recognize are the “what are you thinking, do you understand how you’re going to crash and burn if you do this” warnings.

If you look at this feeling of anxiety, where does it live? What do I mean by that? You see, all of our emotions live somewhere in our body. It sounds crazy, I know, but think about it. When you feel scared, what do you feel physiologically? Commonly, when you feel scared it is something in your chest. A lot of people say, “I felt it in my chest, my heart skipped a beat”, for some, it is like something dropped in the pit of their stomach. For others, like myself, fear is a tingly sensation going down to the fingers. Take loneliness, as another example. For me, loneliness makes me feel physically cold. I can be under my comforter, with the quilt on top and still feel cold, even with my house set on 75! Seriously 2 blankets and I still feel cold!? Either I am sick or something else is up. And in being mindful and paying attention to what was happening before and now after I have been able to connect the dots to every time that I feel lonely, I feel cold. Every emotion has a place it lives in your body so take an accounting of were these different feelings resonate.  

Why do we need to pay attention to what is going on? Well, our minds and our bodies are all connected. A lot of times you experience a sensation physically that you are not aware of consciously. For example, 2 years ago, I had just dropped my kids off with their father and they were going to go to school the next day, which happened to be my son’s birthday. After dropping them off, I went to the grocery store to buy candy and things for his goodie bags and cupcakes to take to his school. I know that I had scheduled time to spend his birthday with him at school the following day and we also did something the day before AND had plans for that weekend. If you have not noticed by now, I tend to overcompensate. That is just what I do. So, we got the birthday covered, right? I am parked outside of the grocery store sitting in the car, and I realize that I am having a hard time breathing. So, I take a deep breath and think “okay what’s going on”? I was on the phone with a friend, so I'm talking this through and I think “I don’t know what’s going on…” and then the difficulty breathing started to feel like a pain in my chest, so I was thinking “ooookay… numbness in the arm on the left side and tingly feeling in my fingers… don’t really know why”. Just moments before I was having a great conversation with my friend and had plans to eat dinner and relax later, (which I do not get a lot of time to do) so this is a great moment. The kids are handled with their dad. Everything is good… what is the problem? I consciously, cognitively, could not come up with why. Why am I having this physiological experience unless I am having a heart attack? I thought I might have to go to the ER because maybe this is the beginning of a heart attack. Who knows? I am not old enough to be having this, but we all know that is how it works sometimes. So, I took a moment and thought “okay, this is remarkably similar to having a panic attack… why would I be having a panic attack? What am I panicking over? I am not panicking over anything… I'm laughing, talking, and genuinely excited about having a day off to finally relax, so what is the problem?” I could not figure it out.

Well, those of you who know me would realize, and I know that this is my first of many blogs so you will get to know me- that these kids are everything to me. I breathe and bleed for them. One of my most significant reasons for existing is for these babies. They are my everything, AND for the first time since my son was born, I will not get to wake up with my baby boy on his birthday.  So even though on the surface everything is great- I have a plan for the day, I am going to see him at school, celebrate him that weekend- for the first time ever, I don’t get to wake up with him and start his day singing happy birthday. This change in my reality led to me having a panic attack because someone that is so important to me is going to be inaccessible. When I was able to figure that out, the pressure valve was released a little bit on the anxiety in my brain. That nervousness that had manifested in the panic attack is tied to my worth as a mom. What kind of mother is not there to celebrate her son’s birthday? Is it true? No. Hello… overcompensating mom over here trying to make sure this baby knows he is loved. He knows he is loved. This is my stuff that I needed to work though. Have I yet? No. I am working on it and we are all masterpieces at work on ourselves. I did not feel worthy enough, I did not feel like a good enough mother because I could not make this thing happen. Now, once I attach this belief to the sense of worth, I realize this is a deep wound that the reactions resonates from.

This is just one example of not feeling good enough. We all have our own, and we need to take the time to figure it out. One thing that I can tell you all for sure, is that it is universal. We all experience this from time to time. The next time you feel this anxiety or do not feel good enough, try to see why and where its manifesting from. Its pointing you towards something, be courageous in following the map into your early experiences and unravel the beliefs that color your world and how you live it.