A Jamaican Experience: Life After Veronika
By: Baron Stewart
After Berkeley's rejection, I stared blankly out of my Park Avenue apartment window, the city's vibrant energy starkly contrasting to the void I felt within. Nights were restless, filled with racing thoughts and the oppressive weight of uncertainty.
Reflecting on my journey, I marveled at how far I'd come. Born to a Jamaican hotel maid, my early years were marked by modest means and humble beginnings. At twenty, I worked as a $70-a-week elevator operator, immersing myself in the stories and experiences of those I transported. Determined to change my trajectory, I pursued education relentlessly, balancing classes during the day and work at night. This unwavering commitment led me to earn a scholarship, opening doors I had once only dreamed of.
Now, I resided in a beautiful Park Avenue apartment and had a retreat in Cipe's house in Stony Point. My circle included cherished friends like Fred and Harriette in Stony Brook. Professionally, I held an office at Cooper Union University in the Village, a testament to my academic pursuits. My prized BMW was parked in Brooklyn, which is a practical decision given the exorbitant garage fees on Park Avenue.
Yet, despite these outward markers of success, I couldn't shake the profound sense of despair. My mind acknowledged the blessings and the remarkable journey from my Jamaican roots to this metropolitan life. Still, my body bore the unmistakable signs of sorrow: slumped shoulders, weary eyes, and a gait that lacked its usual purpose. The dichotomy between my life's external achievements and internal struggles painted a complex portrait of a man grappling with the shadows of loss amidst the glaring light of success.
At 37, I found myself in Manhattan's Greenwich Village, navigating the vibrant streets and immersing myself in its rich cultural tapestry. One day, amidst the city's bustling energy, I met Jose, a 21-year-old au pair from the Netherlands enjoying her day off from her job in New Jersey. Eager to explore New York, she was drawn to the city's artistic enclaves.
I introduced Jose to the Village's iconic spots, including the renowned Village Chess Shop, a beloved establishment since 1972 that had become a hub for chess enthusiasts and cultural exchanges. We also wandered through the neighborhood's eclectic art galleries, absorbing the creativity that pulsed through the area. Our connection was rooted in a shared appreciation for the arts and the city's dynamic atmosphere. Our bond, while deeply enriching, remained platonic. Jose was committed to her boyfriend in France, and despite her host family's disapproval of our friendship due to racial prejudices, she maintained our connection. Her resilience and open-mindedness provided me with solace during a period of personal upheaval.
Eventually, Jose's boyfriend visited New York, and they became engaged, naturally redefining the boundaries of our relationship. Despite these changes, our friendship endured. To this day, I cherish visits to her home in Avignon, where we reminisce about our shared experiences in Manhattan and the enduring power of cross-cultural friendships.
Desperate to feel whole again, I reached out to Veronika again, hoping we could rekindle what we once had. To my astonishment, she agreed and planned a two-week visit to New York at the end of October.
With Veronika in my city, I eagerly introduced her to the myriad delights of Manhattan. We wandered through the hallowed halls of the Metropolitan Museum, strolled beneath the autumn-kissed canopies of Central Park, and delved into the eclectic charm of the Village's art galleries and chess shops. Our adventures culminated in the vibrant revelry of the Village's Halloween Parade, where the city's creative spirit was on full display. Throughout her visit, Veronika appeared to revel in every moment, and I dared to believe we were finding our way back to each other.
However, the reality was far from my hopeful expectations. Unbeknownst to me, Veronika's trip served a different purpose. She sought a tangible reason to present to her family and friends for our impending breakup. After she had returned home, I called to ensure she had arrived safely, only to be met with a cold directive: "Do not call this number again." Subsequent letters were returned unopened, leaving me in a chasm of confusion and heartache. The resurgence of despair was inescapable, pulling me back into the depths of melancholy I hoped to escape.
I intended to purchase a ticket at the Lexington Avenue Subway station during one of my darkest periods. To my astonishment, Berkeley stood at the ticket booth. Approaching with caution, I was met with her exuberance. She embraced me warmly while I remained stiff, attempting to mask the whirlwind of emotions surging within. "How are you? I'm so happy to see you," she exclaimed.
Caught off guard, I managed a subdued response, "Good to see you too."
The encounter left me reeling, a mix of hope and apprehension intertwining as I grappled with the unexpected reunion.
“Let’s do something together,” Berkeley offered with a sudden lightness that caught me off guard. I accepted, though I didn’t expect much to come of it. Still aching from our earlier parting, I saw no harm in a bit of companionship.
I invited her to Long Island to visit Fred and Harriette the following weekend. That evening, on our way to dinner, I found myself reclining in the backseat of Fred’s car, my head resting comfortably in Berkeley’s lap. Fred was driving, with Harriette riding shotgun. I drifted into a brief nap, lulled by the motion of the car and the warmth of her presence.
When I opened my eyes, Berkeley was gazing down at me. Her expression was tend but distant, as if she were caught in a thought she hadn’t meant to say aloud.
“Why are you staring at me like that?” I asked, half-smiling, genuinely curious.
“Oh. Nothing,” she replied quickly, looking away.
“Ahh, come on. Tell me—what’s on your mind?”
She hesitated, then said it quietly, almost apologetically. “I was thinking... I could never marry you.”
I blinked, taken aback. “Wow. Who’s asking you to marry me?”
The words hung between us, fragile and heavy all at once. We said nothing more about it then, but something had shifted in the silence.
By mid-December, Berkeley had left for Arkansas to spend Christmas with her family. On New Year’s Eve, she returned to New York, and the following day, she arrived early morning at Fred and Harriette’s to spend New Year’s Day with us.
As we drove back into the city that evening, something unspoken but solid passed between us. We decided she should move into my apartment.
On Valentine’s Day, she proposed. By the end of June 1985, we were married.
We built a life that lasted thirty years. Together, we raised three beautiful children. While the road ahead would be filled with its twists and turns, that quiet moment in the backseat, when nothing was promised and everything was possible, was where it all began again.
After reflecting on my journey, these are some of my takeaways;
Embracing Resilience and Intuition
In moments of loss and disappointment, I've followed a guiding principle: move forward with a clear mind and a calm heart. This philosophy has been my anchor, enabling me to remain present and think clearly, even amidst adversity.
Cultural Integration and Embracing Diversity
As a Jamaican immigrant navigating a multicultural landscape, I've consciously embraced individuals from diverse backgrounds rather than confining myself solely to my Jamaican heritage. This openness has led to enriching experiences and, admittedly, some challenges. Yet, I wouldn't have it any other way, as these interactions have broadened my understanding and appreciation of the world.
Building Meaningful Relationships
Establishing lasting relationships requires active listening and adaptability to new people and environments. While these adjustments can be complex, the rewards are profound, fostering deeper connections and mutual growth.
Self-Belief Amidst Challenges
My belief in myself has been tested numerous times. Despite these challenges, I've maintained an unwavering conviction that I can overcome obstacles and rise to the occasion, no matter the circumstances.
Life as a Chessboard: Strategic Decision-Making
I perceive life's decisions as a chess game: the problems and solutions are laid before us, waiting to be recognized. Many shy away from confronting these choices due to fear or other inhibitions. By brive to assess situations objectively and make informed decisions.
Challenging Social Norms
Societal norms have minimal influence over my personal choices. For instance, my attraction to white women and my choices for dating them are based on personal preference, not societal expectations. This perspective may diverge from the norm, but authenticity guides my actions.
Message of Resilience and Intuition
The overarching message from my journey is the importance of resilience and trusting one's intuition. By staying true to oneself and embracing the lessons embedded in each experience, we can navigate life's complexities with grace and fortitude.