Emotional Energy and Existence
What do you want out of life?
Why is that an important question to ask? Why do we need to know? How many people really knows what they want out of life? Most people answer it with “I want to be happy” and that is a legitimate desire, but how many actually know what they mean by that? They say “I just want to be happy. Why is it so hard to be happy?”. It sounds amazingly simple, doesn’t it? I want to be happy. Shouldn’t that be a fundamental right for anyone and everyone out there? Yet it is the most elusive concept that I have ever experienced. Right when you think you have a grasp on happiness- somehow it turns into sand and either sucks you down with it or it just slips through your fingers. Either way, it is not attainable. What kind of therapist says happiness is not attainable… hahah I know, so let me explain.
Happiness is a construct. It is a state of being. Can you define any state of being that is everlasting? Is sadness everlasting? Is fear everlasting? There are no states of being that are permanent. And that is the one thing that we as humans have a really hard time accepting- nothing is permanent. I could be happy right now, whatever that means to me, then I can go home, something happens and *poof* there it goes. Does that make sense? That is why I asked the question, “what are you wanting out of life”. The reason I phrase it that way is because I want you to have an answer to, “what is the point?”. When we become completely overwhelmed, engulfed in our sorrow, depression, fear, anxiety, you name it- anytime you have an intense emotional response to something that life threw at you, it’s very hard to answer that question “what is the point?”. Have you ever gotten to a point in your life where you are tired of this existence? Not as in “I don’t want to live anymore”, but more so “I don’t want to live like this” anymore. That is the hardest thing to answer when you are thinking, “well, what is the point?”. Those are the times when you are in the stronghold of those intense, negative emotions.
So that is when I need you to be able to ask yourself, what is the point? What is the point of existing? Of waking up and going to the routine of getting dressed, getting ready, and going about your everyday life? What has been the point of coming to my sessions and being present and being there for people? What is the point of going home and cooking dinner and hanging out with the kids? What is the point of paying $100 for an uber so I can take my little man to the Ed Sheeran concert tonight? What is the point?
Recognizing and identifying “the point” is a reminder of the things that you need to do so that you can get out of that emotional state, because it is temporary. Reframing is the most difficult thing to do when you are in the grasp of that monster feeling that is lurking at that moment. It is a reminder that this state of being and feeling is temporary, and it also gives you a plan. A plan of how to get out of that rut.
So how do you get out of this? First of all, you have to recognize that there is a finite amount of emotional energy that you wake up with every morning. Have you noticed that if you completely lose your marbles in the morning because something goes awry, that by the middle of the day, you are just done. We have our moments where we lose our temper, but it is typically directed at a person that does not fully deserve that extreme response. Yes, they may have done something that irritated you, but the response that you gave them is not necessarily equal to their action. It is a rational reaction, but it is not necessarily worthy of my emotional response.
Our emotional energy is like a bag of diamonds. Each time we have an emotional reaction to something, we are just giving them away, or even just throwing them away. For example, it is Friday, and my babies come home every Friday from their overnight stay with their dad. Just about every Friday, there is something that has happened resulting is unnecessary chaos. Whether they are really late, forgot their bookbags, left their homework, they are not dressed for the day or dressed in clothing that fit, or have not been fed. Just something that is not in alignment with what I believe should have happened based on whatever that we have in our coparenting agreements. These kinds of things mess with my day, their day, throws us all off. A constant violation from what I believe in when it comes to accountability or caregiving and it makes sense that I sometimes lose my mind about it. I have this emotional response because I had these beliefs about what was going to happen, and beliefs based on my values were violated. In the same breath, I will ask you a question… why are we surprised? If we were on the same page about these values, parenting styles and respected each other’s perspectives, we would still be married. So, every Friday for the last 3 years, I have taken this bag of diamonds and have thrown half of them at him.
Knowing all of this, why am I just throwing my diamonds at him? It is 7 o’clock in the morning and I am halfway empty on my emotional energy reserves already. I have not had breakfast or coffee yet and the day is just beginning. Does he deserve those diamonds? No, they are mine. They are precious, and I only have so much for the entire day. They need to go towards my clients, my babies, my friends, my home, my pets, etc. They are the ones deserving of my emotional energy. How many times do we throw these diamonds at people who do not deserve it, or the traffic, or the weather? Why do we fixate on things that we cannot control? Go back to the first question I asked you, “what do you want out of life?”. Is saying you want to be happy, while throwing your diamonds at things you cannot control leading you towards happiness? Or if you want to feel fulfilled, do you get it that way? No. Who is sabotaging my existence? Them or me? Do not feel like I am judging you on what you are spending your energy on, because I am not... As I have expressed, I have been doing that very same thing for years. It makes sense why we do it, but we have to decide which people and situations are truly deserving of our emotional diamonds. Not everything or everyone is deserving these reactions, even if it feels justified. So, what I want you to take out of this, is to stop and think about what you REALLY want to do with your emotional energy. Where do you really want to invest your diamonds? What do you want out of life? Are you taking the steps to get there?