A Jamaican Experience: Being Right Versus Being Related
By: Baron Stewart
For most of my life, I worked hard to be correct. Being right earned me promotions at work and more money in my pocket. It built my self-esteem and caused people to trust what I had to say. So, you can imagine how surprised I was when the love of my life, Berkeley, told me our relationship would not work because I was always right and she was always wrong. She said I was always making her wrong. In my mind, I thought I wasn't making her wrong—she just was.
Berkeley had been trying to fix this situation by inviting me to a course by Werner Erhard and Associates called the Erhard Seminar Training (EST). I responded that I was not a dog and didn't need to be trained. She answered, "See! This is hopeless. You will never change." I realized she was serious and that I had better do something, or I would lose her. So, I looked at the courses Erhard offered and selected the Communication Workshop because we could all improve our communication skills. I said, "I will do this one. I will take the Communication Workshop." She grudgingly said okay but continued to say that she did not expect any miracles.
The workshop started at 6 p.m. on Friday and continued until late Sunday evening. On Friday evening, I was very combative, with my left brain going into overdrive. I questioned everything the leader said and asked him to substantiate his claims. I was sure he could not. During the first break, some of the workshop staff pulled me aside, offered me my money back, and invited me to leave because I was getting in the way of people who wanted to change the quality of communication in their lives. I panicked. They tried to kick me out. I couldn't return to Berkeley with this result—that would be the last day I saw her. So, no, I didn't want to leave. I promised to shut up and not interrupt the class as much. They allowed me to stay under scrutiny from the staff.
Once I settled down and listened instead of judging and criticizing everything and everyone related to the course, I started to see some value. I did group exercises that stirred me deep inside, and I began to see the logic behind their actions. I was a conceptual communicator without much emotion. Because of my painful childhood, I learned to suppress my feelings to survive the painful experiences I endured. I got very excited. Instead of detracting from the class, I became one of the class leaders.
One exercise in particular left a lasting impact on me. We were instructed to say "I LOVE YOU" to someone in three different ways: conceptually, emotionally, and sourcefully. Each person would then provide feedback on how our communication made them feel. This was an eye-opening experience because I realized that my way of speaking put people to sleep. My logic was not enough; the people I talked to wanted more. This exercise highlighted the necessity of integrating emotion into communication.
By Sunday evening, I was jumping out of my skin—euphoric and positive. I had made a significant change from always wanting to be right to choosing to be related instead of right.
I went home to Berkeley ecstatic, but she remained skeptical because she thought my euphoria would soon wear off, and I would return to the righteous person I had been. After a while, she embraced that I had changed, and being with me became a safe space.
This journey taught me that being right isn't the foundation of a strong relationship—being connected is. By letting go of my need to always be correct, I opened the door to deeper understanding and intimacy with Berkeley, transforming our relationship and myself.
The transformation didn't stop there. After that workshop, every aspect of my life changed. That was when my right-brain transformation finally took off. I left programming and became a professional speaker and educator for IBM. Reflecting on this journey, I understand why my PID colleagues once gave me a mirror as a Christmas present with the word "PROBLEM" written on the front. It was a playful yet insightful commentary on my approach to problem-solving, suggesting that self-reflection is crucial in addressing challenges.
My journey from prioritizing being right to valuing connection offers profound insights into my personal growth and the dynamics of relationships. I asked myself the following questions and looked for answers to them:
1. What were the Implications of Always Being Right?
The compulsion to always be right stems from my deep-seated need to succeed. Being right got me what I had, but it seemed bankrupt when I wanted to deepen my relationship. This is a widespread situation where what brought me here will not take me forward. This shows up in business very often.
2. What is the role of Emotional Intelligence in Effective Communication?
Emotional intelligence (EI) is pivotal in understanding and managing emotions and empathizing with others. High EI enhances communication by enabling individuals to navigate complex social situations, resolve conflicts, and build strong relationships. Developing EI involves active listening, empathy, and self-awareness, essential for meaningful connections.
3. What was the Impact of Prioritizing Connection Over Correctness?
Shifting the focus from being right to being connected transforms relationships. Emphasizing understanding over winning arguments fosters deeper connections and mutual respect. This approach encourages collaboration and strengthens bonds, leading to more fulfilling interactions. Prioritizing Connection with Berkeley got me a 30-year marriage and three beautiful kids.
4. How to Grow Through Embracing Humility?
Embracing humility involves acknowledging one's limitations and being open to others' perspectives. Balancing pride and humility allows for personal growth and improved relationships. Cultivating humility requires self-awareness and a willingness to learn from others, enhancing personal and professional interactions. I had to be humble and accept my shortcomings.
5. The Importance of Recognizing and Interpreting Social Cues
Effective communication relies on accurately interpreting social cues such as facial expressions, tone of voice, and body language. Misinterpreting these cues can lead to misunderstandings and strained relationships. Enhancing one's ability to read social cues fosters better communication and stronger connections. Learning to listen was key to any success I had with Berkeley.